Thoughts on Jesus and Life

Man! This blog is SUPS old. Today, in between prepping for going back to school, I read over this blog I made in College and in my first couple months of marriage. All my friends were doing it, so why not me. I loved reading over how faithful God has been in my life. I forgot that I was so in LOVE with him. Revelation 2:4, "Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken the love you had at first." My sweet Jesus, how that has happened over the years. Thank you for your forgiveness and sacrifice. I ended my last post with a confession. I hate myself. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I had anxiety and depression. I should say I HAVE. I have been on medication for almost a year, and been seeing a counselor for two. This may seem like God has been absent in my life, but He has been so FAITHFUL! Reading over this blog has reminded me how He has shaped my life, but it has also shown me how much I have changed and become more like Jesus. Thank you Father for the grace to be on this jo...

I admitted something out loud today to two people. I thought people knew what I wanted to say but I guess not. One person looked at me speechless because she felt the same way. Nathan was also silent but for a different reason. I thought he knew. I guess I can keep a secret, who would have ever thought. All this started at Bible study this morning. We are studying David and today was all about Psalm 19. There are wonderful verses to be seen, interestingly enough we find out from this Psalm that David knew how not to fall. Even more interesting, next week we study Bathsheba. Anyway, verse 12 says, "But who can detect their errors? Clear me from hidden faults." According to Beth Moore the last sentence should really say, "Forgive me for my secrets." Ok...I was kind of stuck. Secrets, me? That would be a resounding no!! I am honest, even more than need be. So what secret is hidden? I mean if David has them than I am sure there is at least one. I don't feel unforg...

As a young adult, a lion changed my life. There had never been a clear concept of God until Aslan, and to imagine, to know; that he is so much greater astounds me. My life would be so much smaller without Lewis’s work. But yet, I will never make an impact like he did, even to one person. To really think of his life is to understand that we are all human. He smoked, drank and hung out with his friends; had a wife for a year at the age of 50; just to write children’s books in his later life. He will be one that I will be waiting to see on the other side of those gates, but to live like Lewis is hard, to live like Christ, even more so. Jess

is truth

Something bad has happened. I was angry. Still am sort of. It is more like I have spurts of sadness and then anger. Didn't know that when this happened it would hurt this bad. You grew in my life but I wasn't as honest with you as I thought. I didn't say things because I didn't want to push you away. Well that back fired. You will probably never read this but this song is track 1. I am sorry for not being honest with you about my anger. But I am still not leaving. You don't realize how much I wish I wrote this song so it would really come from my heart. But God did so I don't have to. Addison Road's I Am Sticking With You Come on, it's me you're talking to There's something going on inside of you Don't have to say it, but I wish you would Cause it would be much easier You always hide behind yourself You walk a lonely road with no one's help I hate to break the news You're headed for a fall And if I have to jump Then I...

enjoying a day and suddenly despair everything crashes down you don't understand why all the pain? why all the suffering? that a boy did nothing to be born with a sickness that racks his body *you stare *do you see? *your father holds you *would you fall? *do You understand? *because i don't Sin, there is not a word the hatred i feel for you you make me Sick you made my Love die i listened to your lies by grace, i am free but you want to rip people from me from my Father He did not deserve a death that tore His body *You gave *i throw it away *You sit by my Father *i am wretched *You know *i don't No It ends here I am done

This is from the end of one of Partick's letters: I would write these words of my defense again and again if I could. I declare in truth and with joy in my heart - before God and his holy angels - that I have never had any motive in my work except preaching the good news and its promises. That is the only reason I returned here to Ireland - a place I barely escaped from alive. My final prayer is that all of you who believe in God and respect him - whoever you may be who read this letter that Patrick the unlearned sinner wrote from Ireland - that none of you will ever say that I in my ignorance did anything for God. You must understand - because it is the truth - that it was all a gift from God. And this is my confession before I die. This was Patrick's real heart. I only pray that I would approach life in the way he did; to tell of the good news. I also love his heart for the Irish and his forgiveness for what they did to him. Thanks Patrick for taking a chance on those tha...

Every time I thought to write I couldn't follow the Mama post. Another death has happened since then, it was a distant one but still hard to watch. I know the older I get the more I will have to see this happen. God has been very patient with me this past month. I have gotten lazy and scared. There was a fear that if I got too close I would be held responsible, but God told me that there is forgiveness for my sin. He just wants to spend time with me. But I also know He wants His name known no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. Jess

I have been feeling really down and angry lately. Little things were getting to me, and bigger things were getting harder to deal with it. I realized on Saturday night that I was in mourning. Once I told Nathan this, we cried together. We love you and miss you, Jess

Just finished LOTR: Return of the King extended edition, and I always get so sad. I think I begin to have a longing for home. Some days my King needs to return. Jess

I was praying for a friend today and had a thought pop in my head; did not realize it was an answered prayer till my friend heard the same thing. Thanks God! Jess

I have finally started reading the Fellowship of the Ring. I know blasphemy!! :) It is fantastic of course. I also had a dream last night that is one that I may have had at least once before. I was following along with it when something changed. All of the normal characters took a detour and the scenery changed to one I hadn't seen before. The atmosphere began to change and I realized the people in my dream were beginning to have a worship service. I remember looking behind me to find two young boys standing there. They were confused. One began asking me questions and later in the conversation I led him to Christ. So confession time, this is the first experience I have had with leading someone to Christ. I know it was a dream but it was still amazing! Thanks for the gift Dad, Jess

James 1 James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings. 2 My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; 4 and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly , and it will be given you. 6 But ask in faith, never doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, driven and tossed by the wind; 7, 8 for the doubter, being double-minded and unstable in every way, must not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 9 Let the believer who is lowly boast in being raised up, 10 and the rich in being brought low, because the rich will disappear like a flower in the field. 11 For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the field; its flower falls, and its beauty perishe...

I have been thinking about how much time we have. I am also being confronted with a lot of scripture that makes me uneasy. It actually makes me feel convicted. I love my life but if I don't live it for God it is not worth much. Back to reading Daniel. Jess

I love my MOM and how God is moving in her life!!

So I was cleaning the Bathroom sink today and had the wind knocked out of me. God spoke so clearly. It started last night at about 2:30 or 3:00. I was reading late into the night, Francine Rivers again. In this book, a widower is contending with a non-believer and slowly falling in love with him. I know it sounds totally cheesy but it is much more than that. Anyway, she is struggling because she is confused about her emotions. She says her love for her first husband was sweet and he showed her who God was and now she has this on fire passionate feeling toward this other man. My heart stopped and my heart cried out to God (Nathan was asleep next to me, so I really couldn't scream like I wanted to). These same thoughts plague me. Nathan is my sweetness. He has shown me so much of God's love and forgiveness. I was crying out to God for Him to not take Nathan from me because our love was not passionate. And then God asked me why He can't be my passionate love affair...

So I was reading Daniel earlier today, specifically about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Most know their story but if you don't here's the gist. These three wouldn't bow down before Nebuchadnezzar's idol, so they were thrown into a furnace. An angel appears to walk with them inside of the furnace. The king lets them out and everyone is praising God. Pretty simple until I started to really look at it. When the three men were brought before the king because they would not worship the idol he threatened them about the fire. Their response was "go ahead". Even if God didn't move they still said they wouldn't bow down to the false idols. What a faith they must have had! Not only to go in there willingly but also to go in without knowing whether God would deliver them. I want to think they were sure they were going to die. They were ready. And God did protect them, he sent an angel down to walk with them. They were delivered out of the furnace ...

God really worked today while I was at Hastings. He gave me the strength to love so many people today and for some to love me back! I love it! And I was just bursting at the seams to talk about Jesus! Can't wait till tomorrow! Jess

I have read my blogs again to see God working in my life. While at Crichton surrounded by all my Christian friends I was truly happy. Then Salem died and I got married. I shut myself off, and Nathan was not the cause. I am sorry for this. I feel like I have had a great renewing of my spirit in the past week. So much has happened. I just finished the second book in the Mark of Lion series, and it is also fantastic. My mom will start reading them soon and if you guys can pray for her salvation I would really appreciate it. She is everything to me. I also took a spritual gift test again (my third, the other two were taken in high school and college). I felt God kept putting in circumstances where we were asked to take it. My top 3 included shepherding, exhortation and....PROPHECY! Prophecy is being screamed at you because it is actually my gift. I got full marks in it and the other two are just side notes. After going through my blog I realized how much of my life has been ce...

So I never wanted to touch a Francine Rivers book because she was so popular with Redeeming Love, which I thought was just another Christian Romance, but I will not go into the different genres of Christian Fiction. My mom LOVED this book and I may need to point out she is not a Christian. I finally decided to give Rivers a shot with her Mark of the Lion series. I recently finished the first one, all of about 500 pages of it in under 3 or 4 days. It was FANTASTIC!!!! If you have never read this book give it a shot. It is set just after Jerusalem's fall by the Romans, and follows a Christian slave and her relationships with the family she serves. I have never been touched by literature this much before. Actually you don't have a choice in the matter, READ IT!! AND there are two sequels! The other wonderful thing about this book is I now have a wonderment of the Old Testament that I have never had before. I am currently reading Daniel which I have never read before and...