Admission
I admitted something out loud today to two people. I thought people knew what I wanted to say but I guess not. One person looked at me speechless because she felt the same way. Nathan was also silent but for a different reason. I thought he knew. I guess I can keep a secret, who would have ever thought.
All this started at Bible study this morning. We are studying David and today was all about Psalm 19. There are wonderful verses to be seen, interestingly enough we find out from this Psalm that David knew how not to fall. Even more interesting, next week we study Bathsheba. Anyway, verse 12 says, "But who can detect their errors? Clear me from hidden faults." According to Beth Moore the last sentence should really say, "Forgive me for my secrets." Ok...I was kind of stuck. Secrets, me? That would be a resounding no!! I am honest, even more than need be. So what secret is hidden? I mean if David has them than I am sure there is at least one.
I don't feel unforgiveness or jealousy towards anybody. There are things I am struggling with but I have talked to God about them. I just didn't understand. Then the spirit quietly spoke to me, you know in that great way He does. I wrote this at the bottom of my paper:
I hate myself. I don't have room to hate anyone else.
In hindsight I should have written that I don't have the strength to hate anyone else. But here is my secret. A secret I didn't know I was keeping. I told God plenty of times but I guess it is not enough. I hate myself. I want to say that I don't like myself to make it sound better but it does not accurately describe how I feel. I think I am wretched. I despise everything about myself. This is kind of where it ends, on paper at least. I will say I was more than happy to confess this to Nathan.
No matter how I feel God is still God and I am really looking forward to battling this very old sin in my life.
Jess
All this started at Bible study this morning. We are studying David and today was all about Psalm 19. There are wonderful verses to be seen, interestingly enough we find out from this Psalm that David knew how not to fall. Even more interesting, next week we study Bathsheba. Anyway, verse 12 says, "But who can detect their errors? Clear me from hidden faults." According to Beth Moore the last sentence should really say, "Forgive me for my secrets." Ok...I was kind of stuck. Secrets, me? That would be a resounding no!! I am honest, even more than need be. So what secret is hidden? I mean if David has them than I am sure there is at least one.
I don't feel unforgiveness or jealousy towards anybody. There are things I am struggling with but I have talked to God about them. I just didn't understand. Then the spirit quietly spoke to me, you know in that great way He does. I wrote this at the bottom of my paper:
I hate myself. I don't have room to hate anyone else.
In hindsight I should have written that I don't have the strength to hate anyone else. But here is my secret. A secret I didn't know I was keeping. I told God plenty of times but I guess it is not enough. I hate myself. I want to say that I don't like myself to make it sound better but it does not accurately describe how I feel. I think I am wretched. I despise everything about myself. This is kind of where it ends, on paper at least. I will say I was more than happy to confess this to Nathan.
No matter how I feel God is still God and I am really looking forward to battling this very old sin in my life.
Jess
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