My Salem
In response to my last post a dear friend (who I have failed to talk to in awhile), said my true greatness is hidden from view. As sweet as that was, maybe he sees something I do not. When I began this summer I thought my life was going great (That should have been my first clue that things were going wrong. Our lives are not meant to be great). I had gotten a promotion from work, and I thought I was trusting God. I felt Him helping me deal with the moral issues I was having at work. Everything was going well.
Within the last semester I noticed that when I was away from Salem (my beloved cat and first child), I missed him dearly almost to the point of desperation. I would need to rush home and see him every time I was away for an extended period of time. At this point I could not even fathom him leaving me without bursting into tears. Through all this I am trying to get to the point that I thought I could not live without him.
My engagement to Nathan would have been fine and wonderful had he not been allergic to cats. I had foreseen this as being a problem. I had told God, Salem and Nathan that everything would be ok, because I would have the next glorious year to spend with him (the him being Salem).
As of now, all who are reading this knew I was wrong. Sadly Salem died after 3 days of hospitalization, two uses of anesthesia, hours spent trying to force food down his mouth, a question of a feeding tube and an injection resulting in his death.
Since then my life as been in shambles. It started out that way because of Salem and then it mutated into something else. I had lost my God. I walked away from Him. I was not angry. I truly was not, I was tired.
I had made plan after plan in my life, and Salem was my last one. I planned our year together, not knowing how I would live without him after it was over. Don't get me wrong, Salem was NOT my God, but he was my best-friend. Scoff, I don't care. He was absolutely precious to me. He was a side of God's personality that I will never find in another living being for the rest of my life.
I cry now as I am writing and reading this. I write this because I changed that day. Or maybe it was the night I decided to put him to sleep. There has never been a harder decision to make in my life, and it still hurts. My dad once said at the table that he had to put his cat to sleep and I wanted to scream, because how dare he take that decision away from me. It was my burden.
I wanted nothing more than to go back and be the girl at the beginning of the summer. To be happy with my job, content with Nathan and peaceful with God. But I could not be.
I couldn't go back, I could only go forward. And I don't know where that puts me. I feel such sadness some days, that I just want to curl up and die. And that is not the drama queen in me.
This why I feel I can't dream. Every dream ends in heartache. Ireland, Missions, Marriage and Salem.
I have been reading through Ecclesiastes, and it says all is vanity. It tells us to be happy in our work and lives. To experience laughter. And that no one will remember the past, but I WANT TO.
In the past couple of weeks I have had a renewed interest in school and history. But the heartache of Salem's loss has come back too.
Jon, my greatness is not hidden from view, because it is not my own. God created me, every single great thing.
I love Him. He is my Ireland. He is my History.
He is my Salem.
Within the last semester I noticed that when I was away from Salem (my beloved cat and first child), I missed him dearly almost to the point of desperation. I would need to rush home and see him every time I was away for an extended period of time. At this point I could not even fathom him leaving me without bursting into tears. Through all this I am trying to get to the point that I thought I could not live without him.
My engagement to Nathan would have been fine and wonderful had he not been allergic to cats. I had foreseen this as being a problem. I had told God, Salem and Nathan that everything would be ok, because I would have the next glorious year to spend with him (the him being Salem).
As of now, all who are reading this knew I was wrong. Sadly Salem died after 3 days of hospitalization, two uses of anesthesia, hours spent trying to force food down his mouth, a question of a feeding tube and an injection resulting in his death.
Since then my life as been in shambles. It started out that way because of Salem and then it mutated into something else. I had lost my God. I walked away from Him. I was not angry. I truly was not, I was tired.
I had made plan after plan in my life, and Salem was my last one. I planned our year together, not knowing how I would live without him after it was over. Don't get me wrong, Salem was NOT my God, but he was my best-friend. Scoff, I don't care. He was absolutely precious to me. He was a side of God's personality that I will never find in another living being for the rest of my life.
I cry now as I am writing and reading this. I write this because I changed that day. Or maybe it was the night I decided to put him to sleep. There has never been a harder decision to make in my life, and it still hurts. My dad once said at the table that he had to put his cat to sleep and I wanted to scream, because how dare he take that decision away from me. It was my burden.
I wanted nothing more than to go back and be the girl at the beginning of the summer. To be happy with my job, content with Nathan and peaceful with God. But I could not be.
I couldn't go back, I could only go forward. And I don't know where that puts me. I feel such sadness some days, that I just want to curl up and die. And that is not the drama queen in me.
This why I feel I can't dream. Every dream ends in heartache. Ireland, Missions, Marriage and Salem.
I have been reading through Ecclesiastes, and it says all is vanity. It tells us to be happy in our work and lives. To experience laughter. And that no one will remember the past, but I WANT TO.
In the past couple of weeks I have had a renewed interest in school and history. But the heartache of Salem's loss has come back too.
Jon, my greatness is not hidden from view, because it is not my own. God created me, every single great thing.
I love Him. He is my Ireland. He is my History.
He is my Salem.
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